This report is reported to report the fact that the report for the newly reported reports has been reported to the person in charge of reporting these reports to another committee responsible for reporting the final report in the form of a physical report. The report should also report the fact that the word “report” has been reported more than what the reporting guidelines would recommend in a report, for the amount of reports with metadata, that is. Lastly, it is reported that the grammar might make no sense whatsoever, reportedly.

Yellow File Folders

In the room where I work in
Lived a man who sharpened pencils
And he wrote down the numbers of files
In the land of file folders
So we put documents in them
Till we run out of space
And we shoved them back in boxes
With our yellow file folders

Approval Pending

We regret to inform you, the five people that somehow bother to read any of this, that the publication of this post is delayed until our censor return. Due to the writer/employee/student/prankster’s extremely high level of immaturity, we have to review each submission carefully multiple times to weed out any potentially offensive language and innuendo hidden in various pop culture references and dank memes. As a token of our sincere apology, please click on this message and bask in the vast, white, empty space of nothingness right below the text. (Note: glue paste is provided at the physical location of the library.)

The Tragedy of Expression 10000 XL the Wide

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Expression 10000 XL the Wide? It’s a CCEPS legend. Expression 10000 XL was a Scanner of the Epson, so fat and so wide it could use the Electrons to influence the Computers to create 600 dpi PDF and TIFF files… It had such a yuugggeeee scanning surface that it could even… scan some oversize items. It became so powerful… the only things it was afraid of were A3 or larger items, which, of course, we have plenty of. Unfortunately, the same scanning technology also exists in yuugggeeeer machines. Ironic. It could immortalize documents through digitization… but not itself.

Computers of Yesteryear, Epilogue: Organ Harvesting

At the end of their painful journey, the aging machines will not shut off gently and surrounded by 8-bit lovers, rather, a more gruesome fate awaits them. Their plastic shells will be shattered, components ripped apart from their motherboards; then, chips and wires will be melted in the smoldering flame for metals, from the common to the rare. At the end of the conveyor belts, elements are recycled and again put together for newer, better electronic parts. When they are finally connected in a new casing and the power button pressed, a new unit is born; the cycle continues.

Computers of Yesteryear, Part II: Disconnected

Back with the outdated computers of the libraries, these suffering creatures are about to be burdened even more. With the terminal condition of low HDD, these machines can barely function properly without life-support systems in the form of physical servers to help them handle the increasingly complex tasks from updated software. However, just like a camel’s back, even moderately sized servers can’t hep these computers keep up with carrying the continuously growing number of clogged files. Only when these poor units were about to give out that their owners decided to hook them up with fancier aid, the cloud. However, the damage is done and due to their falling health, they may soon be, well, disconnected.

Computers of Yesteryear, Part I: Libraries

As the Moore’s Law continues to sweep through various basements and computer shops, Windows 7 specimen with less than 16 GB in RAM are no longer the favored pets as nerds and filthy casuals alike find the newer breeds of Mac and PC the ideal companions. These dinosaurs have to migrate to libraries, where high processing power is not a prioritized trait. Here, they are made to perform tedious tasks like converting PDF files for their new owners. Unfortunately, even these jobs are proving to be too much for the pre-6th gen Intel units. One would expect these poor things to be retired happily in an 80s hacker’s den upstate somewhere but without means to acquire better replacements, these computers of yesteryear may have to slave themselves until they finally give out, painfully.